i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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