You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
we should paint friendship bongs
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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