took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
