Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
