I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
