you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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