How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
