he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
