I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I need to calm my uterus...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
