My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
