you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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