I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
soo... how was my night?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
