Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
