it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
