you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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