This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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