Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
