I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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