Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
