wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
