Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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