I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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