I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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