I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
