She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm way too hungover for life right now
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
