so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
