True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
she pinky promised me she was 18
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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