So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
