You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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