she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
