just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
