So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
And then he peed in my hair
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