I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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