Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
