now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
