I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
