Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
not ubering you a puppy
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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