Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
