if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
