I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
ugly people sure do ruin things
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
did i walk over a car last night?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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