I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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