Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
