remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Found the puke drawer
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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