I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
soo... how was my night?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
