Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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