I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
