If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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