my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He did a backflip because drugs
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
