A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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