i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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