So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
