I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
