period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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